My whole world expanded even more when I first discovered Carl Sagan in my mid-twenties. A friend showed me his old Cosmos series that aired on PBS in the 80's (yeah, I know, I was over 15 years or so late in watching it from when it came out - what can I say, I was an extremely late bloomer). Anyway, after that I was inspired to take some astronomy classes, and a few others including a Philosophy of Religion class at Long Beach City College. I realized then that there was so much more to life than what I was exposed to, which wasn't much. Even so, I spent most of my young adult life on auto-pilot and I was just going through the motion of working where I wasn't happy (although I met a lot of good friends) just to pay bills and survive, and wasting a lot of money going to schools that I never finished because I could never figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I also got involved in some pretty unhealthy relationships which I learned a lot from. I felt pretty lost and empty for a while, and sometimes didn't make very wise decisions.
In my late twenties, I really started to do some soul-searching. One of my friends brought me to get a session from a psychic advisor that she had been going to. I was skeptical, but open-minded and of course interested to see what she would say. One of the things she told me was that in a past life, I was a Buddhist monk and that I died for what I believed in. Now, it seems a little silly, but you have to admit that it sounded pretty cool. I had been feeling since I took that Philosophy of Religion class that I was already drawn to Buddhism as well as Hinduism anyway, so at the time I really wanted to believe it.
So this inspired me to start reading a little more on eastern philosophy. I still believed whole-heartedly in "God" or a Higher Being, but decided that Christianity did not resonate with me anymore. I didn't believe in the Bible or Jesus. There were so many questions about Christianity that I had:
- With so many beliefs and religions out there, how could Jesus be the only path to God?
- If God was so loving, why was there so much suffering?
- Why would we be condemned to hell for our sins if God was supposed to be all forgiving?
- Is the story of Jesus actually history or legend?
- Was that it that everyone was saying we need to be saved from?
However, I truly believed, and still do, that there is beauty and something to be gained from all of the different religions and philosophies of the world. I decided that I would try to learn from all of them. I didn't feel a need to commit to any particular one because I felt that my belief system and spirituality was my own relationship with The Universe and that it was personal. I also believed that the stars shined on many paths and that they all eventually converge. My feelings were that spirituality's element was the pureness of the soul, which is not governed by any authority aside from Universal Consciousness. The only hell that I believed existed, was a personal hell on earth, conceived of our own devise.
At that point, I started doing yoga and tai chi and tried taking better care of my spirit, and adhered to the concept of oneness and that everything is connected. Spiritually, up to that point in my life, I had never felt better. I eventually I came across energy work and gained an interest in the chakras, which really helped me to understand myself and life a little better. To me, it was such a simple, yet profound system that can be used as a tool to help us through our daily lives.
At the time, I was working as an Administrative Assistant in the corporate world, and I decided that I wanted to get into the holistic health field and do energywork.. In the summer of 2003, a friend from work advised me that not a lot of people may understand energywork or know what it is, and that I might be better off going to school for massage and offer energywork to my clients as well. She suggested I check out the California College of Physical Arts in Huntington Beach, which is where her sister went and spoke highly of. I didn't even think twice. I enrolled right away and loved every minute of it and ended up completing 1000 hours which certified me as a Holistic Health Practitioner. I even taught there for a while!
For the New Year, in 2004, I went to Arizona for a Shaman retreat and the Grand Canyon with my friend Janet, which was very enlightening for me. In the spring, when I had enough hours to actually start working as a massage therapist, I quit my corporate job and jumped into the holistic health field and continued to work on my Holistic Health Practitioner certification. It was very scary, because I wasn't getting a guaranteed paycheck anymore, but I was happy to have so much freedom. In addition to that, I met so many wonderful people in the field who have been so inspirational to me.
So while I was single and taking care of myself, I was able to do a little growing. I was happy and open to find my path, but now I also realize that I didn't (and still don't) know much and have so much to learn. After I got married to my wonderful husband in November of 2007, I was so focused on my marriage that I kind of forgot about taking care of myself and stopped doing the things that I enjoyed.
So last June, I started questioning my spirituality once again. I recently watched a documentary called A Case for Faith, which really made me start thinking about my beliefs. I'll admit, I think that most of my problem with Christianity has been the way it is approached by certain groups and people, but this documentary actually did state a good case. It also made me realize how ignorant I've been of religion and history.
Two nights after I watched this documentary, I had a strange dream. I usually don't remember my dreams, but this one was really odd and I can remember it very clearly. I dreamed that the world was coming to an end. The moon in the sky was huge and there were explosions around it and the sun. The scene was also playing on a cable or satellite channel as well. In the dream if the channel was changed, what was actually happening would change too. So it took a while to change the channel because of technical difficulties with the cable/satellite box, but once it was changed, the whole scene changed too. Everything calmed down and was peaceful, and the sun turned into a cross. Then I was suddenly in front of Pope John Paul II. He had a case full of packages of what looked like corn nuts mixed with cereal flakes in clear plastic bags. He handed me one of the packages which was noticeably larger than the others and said I needed to eat it. Then he proceeded to tell me that the reason he was giving me a bigger portion was because I needed more faith.
What's funny is that the night I watched the documentary, I actually asked God for some guidance and understanding to find my path - I even asked for a message in a dream. I don't know, maybe the reason I had this dream is because I had just been thinking way to much about it. My friends and family told me not to disregard it. It was a little crazy, but I decided that I should at least look into it and give myself a chance to understand Catholicism (and other religions) since I never really took the time to before.
My husband told me that I should chose a particular belief system or faith and commit to it. The first problem I had with that was if was going to commit to a particular faith, I would have to agree with everything connected with it or not commit at all. Second, I didn't feel like I should have to chose any. Third, I have always had a problem with becoming interested with something that catches my interest, almost obsessing with it, and then burning myself out and getting bored with it - especially if I'm not immediately good at it from the start or don't get it right away. I've always just scratched the surface with my interests and have never really given myself the opportunity become immersed in something enough to fully and completely understand it. I think there are a number of reasons for this:
1. I tend to get lazy
2. I tend to get overwhelmed because I want to know everything at once
3. I get intimidated because I know there is so much to know
4. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the self-confidence that I will understand or can do it
Because of my ignorance, I realized that I didn’t really have any knowledge as a foundation for my beliefs. My new mission was to educate myself as much as possible.
Only after that, and having the courage to use my own understanding would I be able to re-evaluate my beliefs. I knew it would probably be a long and difficult process (unless I just gave up), but it was time I started making more intellectual decisions instead of having a belief system based on something that may sound pretty and was convenient without having a true understanding of it. I knew that something as important as our beliefs, which is the guiding force of how we live our lives, is too important to take lightly and not examine thoroughly.
So after some deep thought, some confusion, having that strange dream, and realizing I knew nothing about anything, I figured that the least I could do was look into Christianity and the Catholic Church and find out what it is really about. I noticed that a lot of people don't really have a deep understanding of their faith, and if I was going to do this, I wanted to be educated and not remain ignorant. So I decided to go to Catechism at the same parish where I got married (which happened initially because my husband is Catholic and it was important to him - turns out I'm glad we did!). Basically, this is the process that one has to go through to be confirmed in the Catholic Church. For adults, there is a program that is offered called RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults).
Even though I was baptized, I never completed the whole process as a child. I'm actually glad that I'm doing this as an adult, because there is so much more information that is offered. Also, as an adult, it is much more meaningful and I'm doing it because I want to, not because someone else is making me. Being baptized Catholic as a baby, but not really growing up "in" the Church, (meaning my family wasn't really practicing the faith other than some special occasions and holidays) I never received the education to help me understand the basics of what it was all about. I think it turned out better for me, because, as a child, I think that it would be hard for almost anyone to really comprehend something as complicated as a spiritual belief system - we're too busy being children; playing, learning about survival and our emotions, and trying to relate to people.
I remember as a child, when we did go to church, how bored I was and how long mass seemed. I had no idea what was going on. So for me, not being forced to believe what someone else wanted me to was beneficial, being as stubborn as I am. I can only speak for myself of course. But I can tell you that as an adult, I can now appreciate and understand the Catholic Church more than I ever could during childhood, even if I had gotten the education back then. Maybe I would have memorized the prayers and gotten accustomed to the rituals that come with it, but would not understand its true essence.
It so happened that as I was starting to go through this change, there was a new cycle of classes that were starting for RCIA. They had a couple of Inquiry sessions before the program began, which was meant to help you decide if you actually want to go through with the weekly 9 month process. I went to those sessions and was still confused. It was probably because I was trying to be more unyielding than anything - even though I was becoming intrigued with everything that I was learning. I'll admit, at first, even just the thought of changing my beliefs was extremely difficult and made me cringe. I even got depressed for a couple weeks because I was so confused. Everything that I thought I believed in was who I was. It was a grieving process. I was saying adieu to how I looked at the world and existence. I had to completely open my heart and mind to something I rejected for so long to at least see the possibility of growth. Obviously something was causing me to re-evaluate my spirituality.
After I got past that stage, I can say that it has been and continues to be an enlightening experience. In addition, I treasure the time I have with my husband sharing what I have learned, my realizations, and contemplations. He has been another major guiding light for me during this process, and has supported me like only a husband can. I never thought it would be possible for us to get any closer than we already were, but everyday, our bond becomes stronger. I never realized how important it is to share that intimate part of your life with your spouse, and how close it can bring you together.
I'm not writing this blog to try and convert anyone or because I want to debate. It's not my intention, and I don't feel the need to. I am simply doing it because I want to share how this experience has helped me personally and how it is continuing to do so. Hopefully, this will encourage others to learn their faith as well, what ever it may be. I know that some people may not agree with my change of heart, or Catholicism, or even Christianity for that matter. But maybe being so open and willing to share my experiences will help to inspire others on their own spiritual journey, whatever that may be and wherever it takes them. I will never claim to have all the answers, but what I will do is continue to blog and share what I learn and how it is helping me in my life through this process of transition.
Sapere Aude! [dare to know]
"Have courage to use your own understanding!"
--that is the motto of enlightenment. ~ Kant
"Have courage to use your own understanding!"
--that is the motto of enlightenment. ~ Kant
